Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Shadows of thoughts

Pleasant and pointless chatter is what it was turning out to be. Chatter with no consequence, words spoken for the moment all that mattered was the minute. Not what happened after that, or what had happened before that. A feeling like any time before that moment never existed, and any time after that moment was meant to remain frozen and unmovable, so that the moment wasn't lost in time. There it was, a feeling of togetherness that hadn't been felt in a very long time. The happiness of seeing what was being finally fulfilling an escaping agenda. They should have been lost in the din, should have been unable to hear each other, should have been unable to enjoy the company... yet, it seemed like the din was a world away from where they sat, even though they were in the middle of it. The over-rated din.The smiles and talk showed that they could hear what was being said perfectly, and understanding it seemed like the most obvious thing.

A while later, 4 shadows lay still on the sand. The shadows cast by the street lamp...yellow light. The owners of the shadows sat on the parapet wall, half talking, half staring at the starless sky, half listening to the breeze...and perhaps, fully thankful for the moment. It was in those few minutes that the reality of life itself seemed to dawn upon each one of them...there were times before, when each of them thought different things about life, about reality. But this experience seemed new...seemed fresh...seemed true. And the pleasant chatter that was enjoyed in the middle of the din suddenly seemed to disappear in the quietness of the chatter and noise called for noise, but silence demanded the breeze was craving attention, and the clouds pleaded an audience for their slow the waves were trying hard to be heard at the distance and the sands weren't satisfied with being still and ignored. A little girl walked on the sand...stamping on every one of the 4 shadows on the sand, and then paused slightly to take a look at the 4 long shapes. Perhaps it amused her, but it wasn't good enough to take her attention away from her sand bucket. She walked on...leaving tiny footprints in the sand...footprints that stayed for hardly a second before the sands filled in the space, as if in anger of their even-ness being mutilated.

The words that were spoken, or heard were never to be forgotten. The very words seemed to give them a new purpose to their lives. It made them thankful for the years that breezed past, with tests and obstacles that seemed meagre compared to other things in the world. One felt blessed and in an inexplicable way, guilty, for leading the life that had been led so far. Another may have felt a mixture of pride and fear. The 3rd, seemed to have felt a resgined feeling with a tinge of pride that wouldn't be displayed... Sometimes, talking about small instances makes one realise the significance of the big picture. Part scary, part depressing, part challenging...all encountered with part hesitation...part courage. At the end of it all, when you know you can't achieve everything in a day, when you know things happen for a reason, when you feel like sometimes, you just have to believe in the existence of destiny, you pray. For there doesn't seem any other way to comfort one's feeling of worthlessness... insignificance... small-ness. But again you think... everything has its place and time. And you live the little you can... and hope that someday, you too, will have a story to tell, and that story... will hit someone hard. Someday....

Yours "Every face has a story. every man has a destiny"ly
Signing off....

Sunday, April 08, 2007

The small nothings... (really?)

There are some things in life which you know you can make happen...but they just don't happen. All they need is a little push from YOUR side. But No...they seem like those unrealised dreams which you think will remain only dreams forever. Whether this applies to anyone who is reading this right now or not, it applies to me, period. My list is not too big. A part of the list, i know can happen if i want it to...but there are always a few things you can never tell for sure... I have decided not to categorize my list definitely for people to know! Ofcourse some things will be obvious... the 50-50 ones --> Keep guessing :) Yeah right, like thats the most interesting thing to do! I'll start... So finally, the nut who gets high on air, tells the world her silly and not-so-silly wishes she may or may not have the power to see become real!

Which one do i start with? God!

  • To go with the mood of the day - I want to be in a music concert of a musician/singer i love, i listen to alot, whose lyrics i could scream out even if i were woken up in my sleep, who would really make me scream out my lungs and jump real high, whose music i can relate to! I say this because i've been in a few carnatic music concerts, but none of the above necessary apply. I'm not saying i'm a no-no for carnatic, i like it too, but in a different way...but this has to be the way i want it! I've already missed enough and regretted.Waiting for the day!
  • I want to see, touch, play with, play in, feel the white-ness of...snow :) Preferrably during christmas time! (i've defintiely mentioned this before). I still don't know why... Maybe it just looks so beautiful. Like a balance of dullness and brightness that appeals to the senses.
  • I want to whistle in the theatres. I'm working on it ;-)
  • I want to satisfy every aspect of the desires my parents have for me for atleast a day... and i mean the small term ones, not the long term. Ofcourse I want to satisfy the long term ones too... but as of now, the daily ones.
  • I want to learn how to play tha violin :) and lately, the piano too!
  • Ironic and silly as this may seem... i want to be capable of having an answer to my brother's eternal question "what should i get you from here?" because "nothing" has started to bore the both of us a great deal.
  • I want to learn to cook as well as my mother, and my grandmother (peraasai thaan, yenna panardhu!)
  • I want to make a trip anywhere for a few days with just friends... preferrably Kenya :D Ok, on a more practical note, anywhere around here....
  • I might as well add... i want to take the guy i marry to one particular place in Kenya :)
  • I want to be at a first day, first show of a movie i've been dying to watch!
  • I want some shield that'll prevent me from thinking of the uncertainities in life! The maybe's and the maybe-not's! Well, work sometimes happens to be the best shield! None the less, i'd like a shield when i'm vetti ;-)
  • I want to get a proper haircut!!!!!!!

Ok thats not really eveything.... its the comparitively smaller things :) The bigger things ofcourse...are a mission! There, i'm open to judgement!

You could always leave your small list in the comments... we'd love to read them :)

Yours "If only...."ly

Signing off....